Trying to Get Past Denial II

I thought I had lost this post but it turns out it was saved in draft form on Friday.

So I know it's unreasonable to expect that Mama Roxy get past this, and in fact right now we're just making her comfortable, but I am still so shell shocked by the sudden change from yesterday morning to this morning. Yesterday morning I went home after a long and restless night with Mom. She wanted me to go, and at the time I thought she was working herself up ,and that was why her breath was labored. I spoke to the nurse before leaving and let her know that she needed her breathing treatments then.

I went home, jumped on a short conference call, took a shower and was preparing to get ready to go to work late, when I got the call from her physician saying that she was in resperatory distress, and that I needed to come back right away. I threw some things in a bag and ran out of the house.

I had a sense of dread coming back - not just because of what the doctor told me, but because I had a feeling that something (I didn't know what then) had radically changed and turned things for the worst. When I got to her room she was surrounded by many doctors, and I immediately broke down and burst into tears. Even though she was communicative, I could tell that things had radically changed. I had to leave and get myself together for a few minutes, and when I came back the doctors told me that she had developed pneumonia, and that she needed to be moved to the ICU for further treatment.

She didn't really want to go, and the treatment they recommended was something called a C-Pap, which is forced air and treatments through a mask. She finally agreed to try though. When we moved her upstairs I thought she was going to be in the same state, but once they got the C-Pap on and her settled and I was able to see her, I was shocked that she was no longer talking, and at how hard she was struggling to breathe through that mask.

We left it on for three hours, and gave her antibiotics, but finally when it was clear the C-Pap wasn't working we switched back to a regular oxygen mask, with morphine and other drugs to sedate her and slow down her breathing. She did wake up a couple of times while in the ICU, but was very agitated for the most part. She did wake up and was a bit lucid when Pat was visiting, and I'm so glad I was able to tell her then (again) that I loved her.

BUT - I'm still in denial and trying to get through it. I can't reconcile my mom of yesterday morning and Wednesday and earlier this week, with her condition now. I still feel like she can get past this (if anyone can, she can) and I struggle with wanting her back versus wanting her to be pain- and stress-free.